My ideas on replacing our expensive public sector police forces with a Zambian-trained Laotian Guard have been taken up by the Countylition (first ‘o’ superfluous, but zeros sell well these days). Sadly for deficit freaks, the plan will be delayed by a few months, as I have lent the lads to Qaddafi to quell some unfortunate democracy in Libya. Still, practice makes perfect, and there will soon be enough unrest here to make good use of their special skills. One hopes our soon-to-be redundant constabulary members will still support crowd control tactics as they wait for their new private sector, minimum wage jobs. Things may turn nasty when they realise Gadget has over-estimated availability of such work in Wiltshire job centres.
I just love privatization, especially as I look out to sea from my base here in Turks and Caicos. Soon any large multinational will be able to send 10% of their profits here, if based in the UK. I work for a flat percentage, rather than on some obscene bonus payment scam. Upfront you understand. Sadly, my last sure fire privatization did not live up to profit expectations. The business plan was fine, centered on providing high quality, high fibre meals to NHS patients (boiled grass, flavoured to choice). The problem was French competition getting in first (see the recent Dispatches), and my insistence on too high a food quality.
Our next venture here is the set-up of an offshore cooperative franchise operation. This is your chance to get in at the ground-level of this venture, following the smart-money (cash once labelled with Smartwater and other tracking treatments that ensure it ends up with us). Soon, Realcops R Us, Get Your Social Work Bulgarian-style and a range of other cooperative not-for-anyone-doing-the-work-profit cooperatives will be available in a neighbourhood (we like the friendlier term ‘hood’) near you. Just send cash to our Caymans subsidiary. We’ll double your stake in 12 months or your money back in Zambian Delta hedging.