Tools (not in) uniform trousers

Most cops got some kind of ‘keep your tool in your trousers’ speech from some old hand of rank on their first posting.  One of my colleagues was dumb enough to think this was a reference to what went into the truncheon pocket and another asked whether the old coot offering the advice thought she carried hers in a handbag.  Quite why we place so much faith in monogamy has never been clear to me, but I’ve not really been interested in being a player in tiresome tail chasing and disease risk.  I did stray in the line of duty, but I don’t feel honour compromised when the end was scum put away.  That I lay back and thought of England is testament to my sense of duty.  I obviously was not enjoying myself as a Scotsman would only think of England when in the delirium of pain.

Quite why we should be surprised our police force is out in some numbers shagging its way through politicians’ wives, assistants, a variety of protest groups and vulnerable drug users is difficult to see.  Chief Constables are only found out after they die, after all.  A rapist went unseen as he operated in a police station for a number of years.  If my partner had an affair with my protection officer, that would be her business – yet I’d expect to be told for medical and other reasons of friendship.  The sex should not be the issue, nor male vanity in being cuckolded.  I am in no doubt much of all this is bad behaviour and often criminal.  The problem is that it is likely the tip of the iceberg and typical of lack of   transparency in our administrative systems.  Who should be more culpable – the cop bonking the frustrated wife or the politician keeping a secretary in a flat on expenses?  The bonking cop or his or her boss wasting considerable resources on protesters probably a vibrant part of democracy?


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